Managing Conflict - Words

Words matter.

What are the main triggers in relationships? 

Arguments about finances, housework and trust are amongst the top reasons that there is conflict in longer standing relationships while newer couples tend to argue about how they spend their free time, intimacy and trust. Overcoming conflict,whatever stage your relationship, is vital to a healthy, happy life. In a series of blogs we explore the reasons couples may struggle and provide some ideas on how to fix. 

 Conflict is normal - and some even say healthy - but how it is dealt with makes all the difference. By being aware of how issues are raised this can set the tone for the entire conversation. 

A previous client complained that her husband's demands were causing her to consider divorce. His way of making a simple request was to begin with:

 “You never clean the bathroom floor and you leave hair everywhere every time you blowdry your hair"

His request was not actually that unreasonable to his wife, but it was the delivery that bothered her. Working with him to rephrase that, he was instead asked to try :

“I’ve noticed there’s a lot of hair on the floor when you use the hairdryer, would you mind cleaning it up when you’re done?” 

By removing phrasing such as “you never clean” this takes away negativity, contempt, and disappointment. It’s also often not true – the wife in this instance cleaned frequently, but her husband’s words made her usual cleaning standards feel unappreciated and unnoticed. 

The wife reported that highlighting this wording led to both reviewing how they worded much of their communication, and while it takes a bit of practice, it’s a small change that can make a big difference.