The break up phases
The end of a relationship is not easy on anyone, no matter who initiates or wants it. Regardless of whether you have been together for a few months or a few decades, it can be a very challenging time.
Using psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of grief model (because it IS a death, right?), we take a look at the stages you could be experiencing and how to handle them with as much grace as possible (wine and beer optional).
Shock & Denial
Perhaps you saw it coming, alternatively, this has come as a bit of a shock. Either way, the shock is going to kick in and perhaps you're thinking it must just be a fight, they will change their mind later, true love will prevail and all will be right soon, etc, etc.
How to cope:
Confirm this is really what's happening - people say things out of anger at times, and on the other hand, some may not be explicit that they are ending the relationship for real. Make sure this is what either or both of you want and mean.
Even though you may want to scream or sob, keep all communication as civilised as possible. Especially when there's kids involved. Dealing with matters respectfully will pay off in the long run, and this situation is difficult without one person being nasty.
Reach out to a trusted person to let them know what's going on and to help you process what's just happened.
Euphoric Memories
Remembering all the good times, and how this person was perfect for you makes it easy to forget why you're breaking up. The brain is weird like that, it often wants what it can't have. Some speculate that both this and denial are protective measures to stop you feeling the true pain. However it's also a little dangerous.
How to cope:
Reminding yourself that you got to this point for a reason. If things were so great, would breaking up even be an option?
Compile a list of all the bad stuff you've forgotten about. What did you argue about most, was there something that really made you doubt your compatibility at times? Note it.
Try to avoid painful memories, pictures and even places. These won't help right now.
Analysis mode
Being fixated on their social media account, pulling apart every conversation you've had, wondering if you just change that one thing would everything be perfect.... The urge to negotiate and bargain your way back in will be strong here. Ignore it.
How to cope:
Get the answers to the things you need to know to gain clarity over this break up. Closure will be easier if you know the whys, even if you don't agree with them.
Avoid negotiating, and instead aim to accept the decision and the reality.
Accept that your mind is incapable of analysing without bias right now. An emotional brain will not take in all of the relevant information, and will instead be tempted to see and hear what it wants instead.
Grief
As the pain sets in, you may start to think your life is over. And it is, in a way. A chapter of your life has closed and perhaps it wasn't quite the way you envisioned it when you first met this person. Symptoms similar to depression can common here.
How to cope:
Treat the situation as a death. Your hopes, dreams and plans for the relationship has died. Give yourself time and understanding to come to terms with this.
Exercise, eat chocolate, watch those trashy shows, do whatever makes you feel comforted. Kindness to yourself is important right now but don't forget to take care of yourself physically too.
Avoid thinking about why this has happened over and over again. If this was a physical wound you wouldn't keep cutting yourself in the same place, so why do the same with mental pain?
Relapse & Rebound
Oh how easy it is to run back to them, even if it's just for the night. Maybe your MO is to find a cute stranger to distract yourself.
How to cope:
Only get back together if you're sure this is for the right reasons. Doing it for some quick relief will cause more pain down the track and you have to start over again.
Clean breaks are usually for the best. While it may feel nice to spend time together, or speak like you usually do, it will evoke feelings and cause confusion all round.
If you're rebounding with someone else, set clear boundaries with them. Be honest and let them know your situation and your expectations as it's only fair on this innocent person.
Completion
Congratulations! You did it! You've survived the break up and now you may choose to look for love again, or simply have some time to yourself. This part can be tricky, but you are the person that knows you best and the only person who can make this decision.
How to cope:
Avoid extreme caution with new people - they're not your ex and just because your previous relationship turned out the way it did, it doesn't mean this will be the same outcome. Think of it as a fresh start and to be fair to this new wonderful person, give them your trust and openness.
Make sure you've had enough time by yourself. It might be tempting to dive straight back in, but this may also be a sign that you're not over your previous relationship. Being single for a while provides you room for personal growth, gives you time to revaluate your needs and wants, and ensures that you hold out for the right person.
And remember, no matter which stage you are at, this is tough and you don't need to cope alone. Reach out to a friend or even a professional if you feel that you need to talk. But the good news is that you have the ability to move past this and you will.
