Chores divided
The age old argument of who should do what is shifting thanks to changing work patterns. With some men opting to be stay at home dads while their wives head back to work, the line of division is blurred.
Then there is the school of thought which suggests that the person who earns the least should do the most, which may make sense with one person working part time - but does this count if both partners work full time?
Trends have shown that men are logging more housework hours per week while women are still doing the most by three times as much (Bianchi et al, 2000). As seen in therapy sessions, an uneven distribution of chores causes resentment and can be a source of more serious contempt. It's easy for one half of the couple to view the lack of help or effort as a reflection of their partner's feelings towards them. So how can these issues be approached?
Communicate
Approach the conversation when things are calm - during moments of stress might not be the best time. Give your partner the benefit of doubt if they were unaware you were feeling like this, it's possible that they were oblivious. Explain that you would like support, steering away from accusatory wording such as "you never do the dishes", or "it's always me who does everything" as this can sound like an attack.
Plan
Organise a roster for what needs to be done and detail who can do what, perhaps using each individual's strengths. For example, one person cooks and one person cleans, one looks after the yard work while one does the laundry. There may be other chores that don't traditionally count as housework, such as paying bills or organising pest control, it would be wise to take these into account too.
Be a team
Keeping score can cause conflict. Instead, think about how you can work together and help each other as much as possible. Try to envision the chores as shared goals, and avoid language that suggests that your partner is helping you by doing housework - chores are the responsibility of everyone in the house. Even if your partner is not cleaning exactly how you like it done, or isn't completing a task to your standard, then respect that this is their way of doing the task and avoid telling them how to complete their list.
And remember, relationships can be tough sometimes, but it's the ability to negotiate and work together that will lead to success. If you feel that you are unable to get results together, support is available to help you communicate, and ultimately, live better together.
Bianchi, S. M., Milkie, M. A., Sayer, L. C., & Robinson, J. P. (2000). Is anyone doing the housework? Trends in the gender division of household labor.Social forces, 79(1), 191-228. http://sf.oxfordjournals.org/content/79/1/191.short
